One Year + 5 Days

“On July 25, 2011, I was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer.  With no known family history, my age (46) and my healthy lifestyle, this came as an enormous shock. As Chris and I began to share this news, we were bowled over by the kindness and support of our family and friends.  To help keep these amazing people updated on how we are doing, we have started this blog”.

That was me one year ago. I remember writing that paragraph very clearly-I was sitting in a house in Tahoe, trying to figure out how best to begin my journey into the world of cancer—both in the blog, and in my life. I had no idea what to expect, and looking back, it’s hard to believe what my family and I have been through in the past year.

Now, one year and five days after my diagnosis, I am once again sitting in a house at Tahoe. Chris and the girls are down at the beach while I wrap up a bit of work, and I will head down soon to join them. Our time here this year has been incredible-Tahoe is even more spectacular without the weight of a new cancer diagnosis.

We are sad to see our trip coming to a close, but know that we will be back next summer. Until then, these pictures will just have to tide us over until we can be here in person next year.

Part of Me

Yes we saw the Katy Perry movie this weekend and I thought her movie title was as good as any in summing up where I am right now.

So, two months after my last radiation treatment, two weeks shy of one year since my cancer diagnosis, where are we? The short answer is I’m doing great. I am feeling very, very normal—even better than normal…super-normal?

Here's the long answer. I did have a rocky patch about a month ago, which my doctors told me is to be expected after finishing treatment. You see, after hitting cancer with everything I had for the past year, and feeling crappy a lot of the time, and trying to keep all of my balls in the air so I could maintain some sense of my life before-cancer, I didn’t have a lot of time to think about the fact that I had cancer. Cancer is a pretty scary, s***y disease, and anyone in their right mind would be scared to death if they had it. Strangely, I didn’t think this until a few months after all of my doctors told me I was cancer-free.

The trigger was seeing a movie called Pink Ribbons, Inc. which is a very good, extremely thought-provoking movie, but probably not a movie someone should see within the first year (five years?) of a cancer diagnosis. It brought a lot of really dark stuff out in me that I didn’t know was there—like, cancer kills people, I could get it again, I want to see my kids graduate from college, etc, etc etc.

It took a few days to rise out of that state of mind—it took the help of my very strong husband Chris, and a very optimistic doctor, but I did it. And (here’s where we get to Katy Perry) what I was forced to accept is that cancer is part of me now. All of my doctors, my friends and my family consider me cancer-free, and most days that’s how I view myself too. But there are those days that crop up where I am gripped by a fear that it will come back. Fortunately those days are few, but they are out there and I know I will have to face them for the rest of my life. One the one hand it p***es me off, but at the same time it is a strange gift. I have a reminder that my life is amazing RIGHT NOW and I am so happy to be in it. Each day really is a gift—as a cancer survivor I really believe that, and can say it without feeling like a totally corny schmuck.

We are off to Tahoe in a few days. Some of you may remember that this is where it all started last year. We are looking forward to visiting that magical place in a different state of mind this year.