Part of Me

Yes we saw the Katy Perry movie this weekend and I thought her movie title was as good as any in summing up where I am right now.

So, two months after my last radiation treatment, two weeks shy of one year since my cancer diagnosis, where are we? The short answer is I’m doing great. I am feeling very, very normal—even better than normal…super-normal?

Here's the long answer. I did have a rocky patch about a month ago, which my doctors told me is to be expected after finishing treatment. You see, after hitting cancer with everything I had for the past year, and feeling crappy a lot of the time, and trying to keep all of my balls in the air so I could maintain some sense of my life before-cancer, I didn’t have a lot of time to think about the fact that I had cancer. Cancer is a pretty scary, s***y disease, and anyone in their right mind would be scared to death if they had it. Strangely, I didn’t think this until a few months after all of my doctors told me I was cancer-free.

The trigger was seeing a movie called Pink Ribbons, Inc. which is a very good, extremely thought-provoking movie, but probably not a movie someone should see within the first year (five years?) of a cancer diagnosis. It brought a lot of really dark stuff out in me that I didn’t know was there—like, cancer kills people, I could get it again, I want to see my kids graduate from college, etc, etc etc.

It took a few days to rise out of that state of mind—it took the help of my very strong husband Chris, and a very optimistic doctor, but I did it. And (here’s where we get to Katy Perry) what I was forced to accept is that cancer is part of me now. All of my doctors, my friends and my family consider me cancer-free, and most days that’s how I view myself too. But there are those days that crop up where I am gripped by a fear that it will come back. Fortunately those days are few, but they are out there and I know I will have to face them for the rest of my life. One the one hand it p***es me off, but at the same time it is a strange gift. I have a reminder that my life is amazing RIGHT NOW and I am so happy to be in it. Each day really is a gift—as a cancer survivor I really believe that, and can say it without feeling like a totally corny schmuck.

We are off to Tahoe in a few days. Some of you may remember that this is where it all started last year. We are looking forward to visiting that magical place in a different state of mind this year.